For those that don't already know, I am an enrollment counselor for a national university. Every day I get an opportunity to help people. I get an opportunity to help those that want to do something for themself accomplish just that. Every day I see people literally change their lives by getting back into school and continuing their education. It's something I truly believe in, but I find myself struggling lately.
One of the biggest things I look for from anything I do in life is a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. This is one of the reasons I'm so passionate about sports and anything competitive that I can excel at. One of the most influential reasons I decided to pursue a career with the university is because helping others in this manner can be an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling opportunity. I believe this to be true, but there's another aspect of this position that is starting to wear on me.
I'm the type of individual that doesn't need a lot of help or assistance accomplishing what I want out of life. I'm fairly proactive and will happily pursue opportunities to make myself a better person. Particularly, if I become aware of a specific way to improve myself, I devote my entire being into accomplishing it...to a point it may even be a fallacy of mine. I'm learning that not too many others share my sentiment in this regard. Every once in a while I will come across a potential student that recognizes the need to get back into school and has the motivation to do so. My role in this circumstance is merely to facilitate an enrollment process, which is easy and mildly rewarding. The tougher challenge comes from those that want to go back to school, but don't believe they can. Consequently, this is where the true reward comes from, when you succeed at helping someone believe they can do this for themself. The conversations that follow such an accomplishment are an inspiration and a motivating factor to reach out to others. However, the reward gained from these situations is becoming increasingly overshadowed by another type of circumstance. The true test for me with this position comes from the students that don't follow through once this process has been initiated. The reasons and justifications are vast and full of variety, but all share a similar characteristic: they are all excuses.
One of the things that I struggle to understand is why someone will choose not to go through with something that they know will improve their life. Some students will get all the way through the enrollment process, but then decide not to follow through. I get that some get scared or some just simply change their mind. A huge part of helping someone overcome these hurdles is to uncover the particular individual's motivation for going back to school. From there, it takes a simple comparison between what life would be like in the same situation and how life would be different should this individual make a change. To me, the decision is simple. I choose self improvement. I choose a better future. I choose an opportunity to do something truly meaningful with my life. For the life of me, I don't understand why some don't follow that thought process. I simply can't help someone who won't help themself. It's difficult for me to let these people go. It's difficult for me to accept that I have the ability to change lives, but some will simply get in their own way. I don't expect everyone to think the way I do, but I don't understand why these people show up at my office, ask for help, but then not let me fulfill that request.
I need a sense of pride about my work accomplishments to feel truly satisfied. I'm beginning to question if this position can offer this opportunity to me and I'm unsure how to proceed. I've reached a crossroads in my life that I'm challenging all of the aspects of my life. I refuse to settle for mediocrity and will continue to push the limits in all facets of my life. I've lost some of the drive I need to be professionally successful in the manner I want to be and I need to either dig a little deeper to find it, or decide to make a life change myself.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
intuition
Here it is, Tuesday night, and my wound is still healing from this past weekend. A wound that is the result of a lack of judgment. Hell, a complete disregard for any common sense is a little more accurate. I feel a little twinge of pain shoot through my hand as a reminder of my stupidity w/ every stroke of the keyboard, w/ every number pushed on the telephone, and w/ every shot of the basketball. These not so subtle little reminders help me validate my promise to never ignore my intuition again- something I've done entirely too many times throughout my life. Let's back up a few days...
It's a gorgeous weekend day and I'm in the midst of completing my domestic duties. Most of the other homeowners in the neighborhood are sharing a similar task as is evident with the buzz of mower engines that fill the air. I got a little earlier start to this day than usual because I know I have a lot I need to get done. Although, I don't really think I can use being in a hurry as a justification to the looming accident. I'm hesitant to even classify this as an accident because that would imply it was incidental, but I'll save that for another day. Maybe it's because the dew is still grasping onto the blades of grass, or maybe it's because I've neglected the yard for over a week, but the mundane task of mowing the yard presents a greater challenge than usual. I struggle through the front and get half way through the back yard before I come up with an ingenious idea to make my life easier. The grass is so tall, thick, and wet that I can only go a few steps before the little clippings of grass start to trail behind the mower and I'm forced to dump the only partially full bag. At this point, I'm getting tired of starting the lawn mower engine over and over, so I decide to grab a lanyard and fasten the security bar down to the handle to keep the engine and blade running continually. If we're going to keep track, here is mistake number one- or number two if you include putting myself in this situation by neglecting the yard as number one. I'm ignorantly pleased w/ myself because this has saved me a little time in between grass clipping dumpings. However, I start to notice that the bag isn't filling up completely because the passage way through the mower from the moving blade to the bag is getting clogged too quickly. I have images of a ferocious blade spinning wildly underneath the mower, the carnage it could do to my tender flesh and the impending ER visit dancing through my head, however, I still somehow convince myself that it would be alright to very carefully clear the clog with very timid, calculated scoops of my fingers- mistake number three for those that are still keeping track. I'm pleased w/ my ingenuity again as I've been able to shave even more time off of this tedious task. This new system is working wonderfully for almost the entire remainder of the backyard. I have just a few more passes to go before I'll be free of this duty and ready to move onto the next until, "THUNK!" I can still hear it, the sound of cold steal colliding with warm flesh. I instinctly retract my hand from the mower to inspect my finger that had ventured just a bit too close to the spinning blade. I fully expect to see a portion of my finger gone and it takes an eternity for my eyes to focus. A few of the longest seconds of my life pass until, to my disbelief, I realize that I've only barely broke skin. The impact and subsequent pain is felt all the way to my wrist, but the cosmetic damage is merely a small split, a plum purple bruise, and a tip of the finger that is only now regaining feeling and becoming less rigid.
This is one of my least proud moments in life. I regard myself as someone that has a decent amount of intelligence and common sense, although not apparent in this decision. I would even go so far to say that I have a decent amount of intuition. I can typically recognize the situations I'm in and know how to handle them. However, any ability in this regard is completely negated when I don't listen to it. I knew I could lose a finger should I get too close to the spinning blade. I knew I could get a speeding ticket if I kept driving down the highway so fast. I knew in the back of my mind that there was someone else I had been more interested in, but I proposed to the other girl instead...
WHY? Why don't we listen to that voice of reason? Why don't we always do what we know is right? Most of us have the knowledge, or at least I'll be optimistic and hope we do. If so, then why don't we keep our hands off the hot stove if we know it burns? Laziness? Apathy? Lack of foresight? No, I refuse to accept that. How could someone take the chance of permanently crippling themself to save a few seconds, maybe a few minutes, and a minor exertion of energy while mowing the yard? I'm guilty of it and can't think of a logical reasoning what-so-ever. I consider myself lucky. I'm lucky to have an opportunity to learn from my mistake...no, let's be honest, mistakes. I was once told that the right thing to do is never the easiest. It's so much easier to take the simple way out, to take the short cut, to choose to spend time with the girl that shows you attention when your intuition tells you she's not right for you. But to what avail was it to take the easy way out? Sure, there might be some instant gratification, but in the end, you typically end up left wanting and with a lesson learned. Now should we have done the right thing upfront, that would be a different story- a story that now intertwines into the chapters of my life.
It's a gorgeous weekend day and I'm in the midst of completing my domestic duties. Most of the other homeowners in the neighborhood are sharing a similar task as is evident with the buzz of mower engines that fill the air. I got a little earlier start to this day than usual because I know I have a lot I need to get done. Although, I don't really think I can use being in a hurry as a justification to the looming accident. I'm hesitant to even classify this as an accident because that would imply it was incidental, but I'll save that for another day. Maybe it's because the dew is still grasping onto the blades of grass, or maybe it's because I've neglected the yard for over a week, but the mundane task of mowing the yard presents a greater challenge than usual. I struggle through the front and get half way through the back yard before I come up with an ingenious idea to make my life easier. The grass is so tall, thick, and wet that I can only go a few steps before the little clippings of grass start to trail behind the mower and I'm forced to dump the only partially full bag. At this point, I'm getting tired of starting the lawn mower engine over and over, so I decide to grab a lanyard and fasten the security bar down to the handle to keep the engine and blade running continually. If we're going to keep track, here is mistake number one- or number two if you include putting myself in this situation by neglecting the yard as number one. I'm ignorantly pleased w/ myself because this has saved me a little time in between grass clipping dumpings. However, I start to notice that the bag isn't filling up completely because the passage way through the mower from the moving blade to the bag is getting clogged too quickly. I have images of a ferocious blade spinning wildly underneath the mower, the carnage it could do to my tender flesh and the impending ER visit dancing through my head, however, I still somehow convince myself that it would be alright to very carefully clear the clog with very timid, calculated scoops of my fingers- mistake number three for those that are still keeping track. I'm pleased w/ my ingenuity again as I've been able to shave even more time off of this tedious task. This new system is working wonderfully for almost the entire remainder of the backyard. I have just a few more passes to go before I'll be free of this duty and ready to move onto the next until, "THUNK!" I can still hear it, the sound of cold steal colliding with warm flesh. I instinctly retract my hand from the mower to inspect my finger that had ventured just a bit too close to the spinning blade. I fully expect to see a portion of my finger gone and it takes an eternity for my eyes to focus. A few of the longest seconds of my life pass until, to my disbelief, I realize that I've only barely broke skin. The impact and subsequent pain is felt all the way to my wrist, but the cosmetic damage is merely a small split, a plum purple bruise, and a tip of the finger that is only now regaining feeling and becoming less rigid.
This is one of my least proud moments in life. I regard myself as someone that has a decent amount of intelligence and common sense, although not apparent in this decision. I would even go so far to say that I have a decent amount of intuition. I can typically recognize the situations I'm in and know how to handle them. However, any ability in this regard is completely negated when I don't listen to it. I knew I could lose a finger should I get too close to the spinning blade. I knew I could get a speeding ticket if I kept driving down the highway so fast. I knew in the back of my mind that there was someone else I had been more interested in, but I proposed to the other girl instead...
WHY? Why don't we listen to that voice of reason? Why don't we always do what we know is right? Most of us have the knowledge, or at least I'll be optimistic and hope we do. If so, then why don't we keep our hands off the hot stove if we know it burns? Laziness? Apathy? Lack of foresight? No, I refuse to accept that. How could someone take the chance of permanently crippling themself to save a few seconds, maybe a few minutes, and a minor exertion of energy while mowing the yard? I'm guilty of it and can't think of a logical reasoning what-so-ever. I consider myself lucky. I'm lucky to have an opportunity to learn from my mistake...no, let's be honest, mistakes. I was once told that the right thing to do is never the easiest. It's so much easier to take the simple way out, to take the short cut, to choose to spend time with the girl that shows you attention when your intuition tells you she's not right for you. But to what avail was it to take the easy way out? Sure, there might be some instant gratification, but in the end, you typically end up left wanting and with a lesson learned. Now should we have done the right thing upfront, that would be a different story- a story that now intertwines into the chapters of my life.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
the fickleness of life
Oh, how fickle life can be. As I reflect about this yet again, I can't help but laugh to myself. It amuses me, and almost seems ironic, that we place such an great emphasis on the relationships we have, but when they dissolve, life somehow goes on. Not only does our existence go on, but it can become even more fulfilling if you let it. I'm sure some of the truly meaningful relationships we have would leave a void of sorts should it be removed, but even in that event, life will still go on. Give it a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but the normalcy of life will return. I look around and see so many people that are over reliant on another, so many people that define their lives by the people that are in it and I feel a twinge of embarrassment that I used to submit to that way of thinking.
I spent our neighbor's independence day out celebrating with a few friends and it seemed to serve as a capstone to reclaiming some of the relationships I lost over the years. At a favorite bar downtown, I randomly ran into several people I used to know very well but had lost touch with: my best friend from childhood, my first girlfriend, a girl I spent four years of my life running with at ksu, a guy I spent a few years of my life working next to every day. These were all people that I had regarded as important, but for one reason or another, had taken separate paths through life and had been removed from my consciousness. I've spent the past few months attempting to reconnect with these types of figures in my life, but to what avail? Should they disappear from my life again, it will still go on.
I still get a great sense of satisfaction from connecting with friends and family and I will always value the relationships I have. The best times of my life and the memories I cherish the most are the result of the relationships I had or even still have. But, I've learned to recognize the fine line I need to balance on when it comes to depending on anyone else other than myself. It sounds so cliche, but I'm going to live my life to the fullest, enjoy the relationships I have while I have them, and assume that the time I spend with others could be the last. I will embrace the people in my life, but that's as far as it goes.
I spent our neighbor's independence day out celebrating with a few friends and it seemed to serve as a capstone to reclaiming some of the relationships I lost over the years. At a favorite bar downtown, I randomly ran into several people I used to know very well but had lost touch with: my best friend from childhood, my first girlfriend, a girl I spent four years of my life running with at ksu, a guy I spent a few years of my life working next to every day. These were all people that I had regarded as important, but for one reason or another, had taken separate paths through life and had been removed from my consciousness. I've spent the past few months attempting to reconnect with these types of figures in my life, but to what avail? Should they disappear from my life again, it will still go on.
I still get a great sense of satisfaction from connecting with friends and family and I will always value the relationships I have. The best times of my life and the memories I cherish the most are the result of the relationships I had or even still have. But, I've learned to recognize the fine line I need to balance on when it comes to depending on anyone else other than myself. It sounds so cliche, but I'm going to live my life to the fullest, enjoy the relationships I have while I have them, and assume that the time I spend with others could be the last. I will embrace the people in my life, but that's as far as it goes.
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