intuition

Here it is, Tuesday night, and my wound is still healing from this past weekend. A wound that is the result of a lack of judgment. Hell, a complete disregard for any common sense is a little more accurate. I feel a little twinge of pain shoot through my hand as a reminder of my stupidity w/ every stroke of the keyboard, w/ every number pushed on the telephone, and w/ every shot of the basketball. These not so subtle little reminders help me validate my promise to never ignore my intuition again- something I've done entirely too many times throughout my life. Let's back up a few days...

It's a gorgeous weekend day and I'm in the midst of completing my domestic duties. Most of the other homeowners in the neighborhood are sharing a similar task as is evident with the buzz of mower engines that fill the air. I got a little earlier start to this day than usual because I know I have a lot I need to get done. Although, I don't really think I can use being in a hurry as a justification to the looming accident. I'm hesitant to even classify this as an accident because that would imply it was incidental, but I'll save that for another day. Maybe it's because the dew is still grasping onto the blades of grass, or maybe it's because I've neglected the yard for over a week, but the mundane task of mowing the yard presents a greater challenge than usual. I struggle through the front and get half way through the back yard before I come up with an ingenious idea to make my life easier. The grass is so tall, thick, and wet that I can only go a few steps before the little clippings of grass start to trail behind the mower and I'm forced to dump the only partially full bag. At this point, I'm getting tired of starting the lawn mower engine over and over, so I decide to grab a lanyard and fasten the security bar down to the handle to keep the engine and blade running continually. If we're going to keep track, here is mistake number one- or number two if you include putting myself in this situation by neglecting the yard as number one. I'm ignorantly pleased w/ myself because this has saved me a little time in between grass clipping dumpings. However, I start to notice that the bag isn't filling up completely because the passage way through the mower from the moving blade to the bag is getting clogged too quickly. I have images of a ferocious blade spinning wildly underneath the mower, the carnage it could do to my tender flesh and the impending ER visit dancing through my head, however, I still somehow convince myself that it would be alright to very carefully clear the clog with very timid, calculated scoops of my fingers- mistake number three for those that are still keeping track. I'm pleased w/ my ingenuity again as I've been able to shave even more time off of this tedious task. This new system is working wonderfully for almost the entire remainder of the backyard. I have just a few more passes to go before I'll be free of this duty and ready to move onto the next until, "THUNK!" I can still hear it, the sound of cold steal colliding with warm flesh. I instinctly retract my hand from the mower to inspect my finger that had ventured just a bit too close to the spinning blade. I fully expect to see a portion of my finger gone and it takes an eternity for my eyes to focus. A few of the longest seconds of my life pass until, to my disbelief, I realize that I've only barely broke skin. The impact and subsequent pain is felt all the way to my wrist, but the cosmetic damage is merely a small split, a plum purple bruise, and a tip of the finger that is only now regaining feeling and becoming less rigid.

This is one of my least proud moments in life. I regard myself as someone that has a decent amount of intelligence and common sense, although not apparent in this decision. I would even go so far to say that I have a decent amount of intuition. I can typically recognize the situations I'm in and know how to handle them. However, any ability in this regard is completely negated when I don't listen to it. I knew I could lose a finger should I get too close to the spinning blade. I knew I could get a speeding ticket if I kept driving down the highway so fast. I knew in the back of my mind that there was someone else I had been more interested in, but I proposed to the other girl instead...

WHY? Why don't we listen to that voice of reason? Why don't we always do what we know is right? Most of us have the knowledge, or at least I'll be optimistic and hope we do. If so, then why don't we keep our hands off the hot stove if we know it burns? Laziness? Apathy? Lack of foresight? No, I refuse to accept that. How could someone take the chance of permanently crippling themself to save a few seconds, maybe a few minutes, and a minor exertion of energy while mowing the yard? I'm guilty of it and can't think of a logical reasoning what-so-ever. I consider myself lucky. I'm lucky to have an opportunity to learn from my mistake...no, let's be honest, mistakes. I was once told that the right thing to do is never the easiest. It's so much easier to take the simple way out, to take the short cut, to choose to spend time with the girl that shows you attention when your intuition tells you she's not right for you. But to what avail was it to take the easy way out? Sure, there might be some instant gratification, but in the end, you typically end up left wanting and with a lesson learned. Now should we have done the right thing upfront, that would be a different story- a story that now intertwines into the chapters of my life.